Short story series 3: God writes better stories

So I raised my Visa extension in April. It has been going back and forth. Something felt wrong. But I thought I had been with the company for 11 years now so they wouldn’t cause me any issues and the Visa would go through.

I was feeling better. The past couple of years postpartum depression has made me feel much worse. But I started to feel like myself again. Especially my PTSD due to bullying was getting better. My therapy has helped and my postpartum depression started to get low finally.

After a therapy session, my therapist discussed how I have different views when it comes to women and children. I said that I didn’t have power or money. If I have enough I would help them more. And after that, in my heart, I thought to God if I could earn more I would help more.

Then the next day I came to know my Visa was not extended and I couldn’t work. Also, the way the company treated me after 11 years of working for them I don’t have words to explain.

I was heartbroken stressed and depressed. All I did was cry. I was crying because I would not be able to afford my home or daycare (which we got into after waiting for a year) where my child was getting comfortable finally. Also, I have always put my identity in my work. I realized how wrong it was.

I remember being embarrassed and not able to face anyone. I refused to call my parents, brother, or even friends. I remember my close friend hugging me and saying, you are you to me. You were never a software engineer or a mom or a wife – you are you to me, my friend. It made me feel a lot better.

I was getting so much support from my friends they were referring me for a job or somewhere just pinging me every day just to check how I was doing. Another friend of mine was very much worried that I would spiral into depression again.

And, I remember a day when everything got worse, I couldn’t just stop crying no matter what I did. I thought I would die at this rate. I hardly ate or slept. I couldn’t concentrate on my interview preparations. My daughter wiped my tears and said Mom don’t cry. Maybe that’s when I realized I hit rock bottom.

I got a couple of interviews. But I was visually stressed. The pressure to get a job made me perform worse. I was sweating and soaked my keyboard. I did not answer basic questions that I knew. In the second interview, I thought I did well but the feedback broke my heart. I felt my 100% was not enough to get me a job.

I went to Church every week and I cried there standing. At the entrance when they high-fived me, trust me it took all my strength to high-five back. I was having suicidal thoughts. But on that day in Church, the pastor was saying how satan is real. Because it was like another voice in my head saying these horrible things.

I found comfort in reading the bible. Just holding it made me feel comfortable. I prayed like crazy. I knelt and prayed reading through verses, how David humbled himself after his sin. I was blaming myself and thought I did something wrong that’s why God is punishing me.

You know I was hit by my dad when I made a mistake. I slapped myself hard because when you make a mistake you get punished that’s how I have been designed. So I thought I made a mistake and God was punishing me, maybe worse he hates me now. At that time my daughter was crying so I held her and thought to myself see I am a new mother I cannot bear myself see my daughter cry, don’t you feel pity, God, my father, when you see my crying?

Then that day when I was reading my Bible the Lord answered me, saying a

Isaiah 49:15-17 (NIV)“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.”

I felt he spoke to me. God was trying to comfort me. Then I read the below verses.

Matthew 20:30-34 (NIV) Two blind men were sitting by the roadside, and when they heard that Jesus was going by, they shouted, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!” The crowd rebuked them and told them to be quiet, but they shouted all the louder, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!” Jesus stopped and called them. “What do you want me to do for you?” he asked. “Lord,” they answered, “we want our sight.” Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed him.

Did you notice? When the blind men asked to have mercy, Jesus had compassion on them. Yes, I felt the same if I ask for mercy Jesus will have compassion on me. Whenever I felt no hope I repeated these words to myself. Jesus had compassion on them, he will have compassion on you too. He will show his mercy. I also reread the words again and again. The Bible comforted me.

Then I was getting interviews and getting rejected. But this time I was learning from each rejection. Making myself better. I was getting my doubts cleared in Online forums. Bless the soul who took his time to write me detailed answers which helped me a lot.I understood interviews require a different set of preparation. Also, coding is a skill anyone can acquire and get better at it. It is not something you are born with.

I could feel I was doing better in interviews. Still, I remember being disheartened after each rejection. At one point I wanted to stop searching for a job but my friends and my husband were motivating me and asking me to trust the process. But I was feeling so overwhelmed. So I had the last three interviews in hand. I told them I would not attend any more interviews.

So out of the three interviews, I did not have much hope. But my husband and my friend made me give my best. My friend sat beside me and guided me in every step. So we submit the assessment and it gets selected. So I pray to God saying it is you who is going to attend my interview, not me. By God’s grace, I cleared the interview. Finally when I saw the email stating I got the job I felt at peace.

Also, in the other two interviews I did well. From my perspective, I cleared them as well. One I did not clear. For the other one, they said I did relatively well and have yet to get a result. So who knows?

In this process, I learned there are unkind humans but there are a lot of kind humans. Like the person who hardly knew me but referred me to a job or the person who helped me with my resume. Or my friends who called or texted me to check on me every day. Or strangers who reviewed my code and made it better. Or friends who taught me overnight a whole new programming language. Or my brother who called me and said you have me I can take care of you don’t lose hope alone(my little brother is all grown up now). Or my parents who said the same. Or my pastor who prayed for me every day.

I thought I tried to be kind because people have not been kind to me but I was so wrong I am kind because I know how kindness makes you feel. I received so much kindness from my friends, my brother, my husband, and my daughter more of all from God who has been so patient and kind with me.

For some reason, I have liked the story of Job. I don’t know why. When Job asks God why he punished him? God does not answer the question directly. Because I think he did not punish Job. So maybe he did not punish me too. It was his way of pushing me to a better job. I should have been more faithful and trusting of him. But I think God understands that I never doubted him but I doubted myself thinking I was someone who was worse and deserved to be punished. I am too hard on myself than anyone else in the world. I should start loving myself more.

So this story has a happy ending. I got a job that is better paying(which I asked for if you remember) and where I can work 4 days. Maybe I should start taking a Sabbath which has been the topic of sermon in Church a lot. Maybe it is a sign. Also, I have a month gap which I can use to take a rest.

I always thought I would become a writer, an author, so every time I pull @author in my code I feel like I have become one already. But we all know God, the master storyteller, pens far more captivating tales every day in the lives of us all.

Lonely Star – Poem of a crying heart

I always felt like I was born in a void.

I can see the stars far away but none closer.

I built a beautiful cube around me.

I called it my world.

I watched my whole world fall apart and all..

I could do was watch it

I am trying my best but.. my best my best is not enough

With each side falling

I can see the void

I can fell it pulling back

I hope I can find a hand to hold!!

The Smell of Curry

Recently I read a post in Reddit about a story where the landlord wanted the tenant to move out because he was cooking Indian food. The main reason is the smell of curry seems to linger long in the apartment and it may bring down the value of the apartment.

It broke my heart to read the story and it broke my heart more when I read the comments. To me the smell of curry reminds me of home. It takes me back to when I was young where I would run and hug my mother in kitchen. I could remember the smell distinctly from her mild wet Saree.

So how come a smell so comforting to some becomes so nauseating to others.How come people who seem so nice in person or tolerant seem so mean online. But that’s the reality. Things like this make me lose trust in humanity. We are mere actors who wears multiple faces.

I have allergy to strong smells. Like I would get a runny nose and watery eyes in extreme cases skin rashes. So I do understand the concern here. But still it breaks my heart.

I just wanted to let this out of my heart. I hope we learn to coexist. I do hope to live in a world where a smell of food would not bring down the value of morality that humans have!!

Short story series: 2-Him

She woke up to the sound of her phone ringing. With half opened eyes she looked at it. There were 25 missed calls and 100 text messages which conveyed more or less the same content.

“I still love you. I miss you so much. Can we meet? I am coming to Australia for a business trip. I will be there for a month”

They were from an unknown number but she knew who it was. He was the last person she expected a call from. Her grip on the phone tightened. The memories that were buried deeply started to resurface.

She walked down her memory lane. On her birthday when she was a sophomore in college she was sitting on the corridor holding her phone and crying.

“I wanted you to be the first to call.How can you forget? How can you not pick up even after me calling you 100 times?”. Lot of other memories were rushing to get out at the same time , 8 years worth of memories, her first love..

“You told that girl proposed you. Why are you still talking with her?Why are you giving her false hope.”

“Did you like the phone? I wanted to give you something memorable with my first salary.“

“Why are you not introducing me as your girlfriend? Do your friends know that you are committed?“

“I am glad you are going to do your masters. Don’t worry I will support you as always. I will wait for you. I wish I could do masters too but my family needs another earning hand.I cannot push all the burden on my brother.”

“Congratulations! I am so glad you got the job! I will wait for you at the station. Can my friends join us too?“

“Its been 4 years since your dad had a heart attack! How can you say that as a reason for not telling your parents about us? Its been a year already and how many alliance do you want me to reject saying worthless petty reasons.“

She recalled the day when she wore a beautiful Saree and went to the mall to meet his mother. He introduced her as a friend..FRIEND! The three of them chatted for a while, had a bite to eat and they said their good byes.

“How can you expect your mom to ask you that if I was your girlfriend. Do you think this a movie where parents say ‘I wish you get married to such a beautiful girl ‘ the moment they see me.You have to let them know.“

“I heard from your friend that you got engaged. Tell me its not true. What the hell? I cannot live without you? Does the past 8 years mean nothing to you? Why are you doing this to me? Please say it is a lie. I beg you.“

All those memories of her first love, first heart break brought tears to her eyes – memories can be so cruel sometimes. She looked at those texts. She clicked on the profile picture. She saw a picture of him, next to him was a beautiful girl holding a baby in hand. She didn’t want to reply him. But her hand pressed on the reply button.

She couldn’t believe she came to see him. Time hasn’t done anything to his looks. He looked the same.He said “I missed you.You are the only one whom I was always in love with”. But she was not listening to him. Aren’t these the words that she always wanted to hear from him but why is she not happy? Her thoughts were muddled – Why am I here? Why did I come? After all these years am I still not over him?

He came close to her. He leaned forward to kiss her. Her hands moved involuntarily and pushed him away.

She heard a voice “What happened dear? Are you alright?” She opened her eyes and saw her husband who was looking at her baffled. Her husband explained “I was about to give you a good-bye kiss as I am starting to office a little early today”.She smiled and sat up, gave him a hug and a peck on the cheek.

Once he left, she checked her mobile. Looks like she feel back asleep so didn’t reply to those texts. She smiled thinking, even in a dream she couldn’t have an affair. And as for him, once a scum always a scum. As for the texts she made sure it went to the place where a low life and a cheater like HIM belonged ‘trash’.

Short story series: 1- The Vacuum Cleaner

His Visa got denied. He has to leave in couple of weeks. They have been married for a year now. He moved in with her 8 months back to United States. His work Visa was in progress but now in her hand on her mobile screen the USCIS page shows ‘ Case was Denied’.

It was their wedding anniversary. They have been checking that portal everyday for past 6 months. So,today they made a promise to not check it until tomorrow. But she was as curious as it comes and checked it the first thing in morning when in bathroom.Probably it is why they say not to use phone in bathrooms. She thought these things happened only in soapy dramas.Yet it is a fact that her husband’s Visa got denied on their first anniversary.

She felt all kind of emotions inside her heart. Her husband was actually happy that the wait was over. She felt sad but she couldn’t cry. It was as though her eyes ran dry.

The next two weeks they were busy shopping, packing and going to places to create memories.She was taking lot of pictures as though camera has the power to freeze the moment.

She didn’t want time to move. But it is the most cold hearted person you can ever know. No matter how much you beg it never waits not even slows down for anyone.

She didn’t want her husband to leave or at the least she wanted to leave with him. They were college sweet hearts. She had so many dreams. Now everything has been shattered – the life they could have had! But she cannot leave she has to stay back. She has to earn – the only reason for every immigrant.

The day arrived.They vacated the apartment they stayed in. They has moved all her things to her friend’s house. She will be joining them as a third roommate.

She said she didnot want to return to the empty home so they moved everything out.The hall was empty, no sofa – where they lied all day and watched TV. The kitchen looked deserted. The dinning place which was always filled with friends was empty.

They got in the car. A friend of her was driving. They sat in the backseat. She was leaning on her husband shoulder. Still one thing was missing – tears. She couldn’t cry. Has she become more cold-hearted than Mr.Time?

Airport – She hates Airport.They always make her nervous. She hates goodbye. She hugged her husband and waved him good bye. Her eyes were glued onto him as he walked away.They followed him through the security till he disappeared.

Still no tears.

Now her friend was driving her home. She said ” Can we stop by my apartment? I have to vacuum the kitchen alone before surrendering the key”.So they went there. She plugged in the Vacuum. She starred at the vacuum for sometime. She was searching up and down for something..for something. It was the ‘Power On’ switch.

She didn’t know where it was.She suddenly remembered she has never vacuumed. Her husband always did, he loved to vacuum. So from the day they got it couple of months back he always did it.

She remembered last 8 months before her eyes. The days they spent – how they laughed together, how they fought, how he always took care of her and how much she loved him- loves him.She sat down. She hugged the vacuum.

A drop of tear rolled down her cheek and fell on THE VACUUM CLEANER.

Eminem & the art of not giving a F**K

So you guys must have heard Eminem’s new Album – Kamikaze. It is awesome, if you haven’t heard it I recommend you to go and hear it 🙂 I am a crazy fan of Eminem not a Stan though but I love his songs and his lyrics drive me crazy.

Let me first start with when I saw him first. Actually it is kind of a funny story. We went to a water theme park back in India. So they did allow my Dad to get in the water unless he wore a t-shirt. My dad never wears one he is more of a shirt guy(yep people like that exist atleast in my world). So he bought a one there. He is a small man so he had only few options. He finally chose one and it had some blonde guy in it with name Eminem with a inverted ‘E’. So that’s where I read his name first. But it will take me 10 more years to know who he is.

Fast forward now I completed my college. There was a 9 months gap between my college and my first Job. So I had lot of time on my hand. My friend’s brother he gave few songs and asked me to listen to them.I was not interested but I didn’t have the heart to say no to him. So I had them on my mobile. Shortly after that me and my boyfriend were getting into petty fights. He clearly wanted to dump me. We were on the verge of breaking up. It took a toll on me because as every other person in love I thought this was it, he was my better half and we will be happily married forever. So all these fights broke my heart.

I was into severe depression. He wouldn’t text me back and he tortured me emotionally. I was staying in city from there to my home it took 5 hours. The journey was the hardest things to do at that time. I cannot watch movies or read book while travelling as I have motion sickness. So to keep my mind of this drama and keep myself away from crying to death the only option was listening to songs. I am not a song person. Have never really listened to songs so the only songs I had was what my friend’s brother gave me.

I put them on my ear phones. That was the first time I listened to this type of rap. I have seen and heard him on ‘Smack that’ song but didn’t know much about him then. But his songs, I was able to relate to them. The pain of being in love with someone who doesn’t give dam thing about you. The longing for love. The emptiness that we felt even though we had everything. People prosecuting us even though we didn’t intentionally mean to hurt anyone.

At that time my favorite song was ‘I need a doctor’. His words gave me strength. There is something to his voice. He is so blessed to influence so many people really I feel like he is gift from god to many.

My all time favorite song is ‘ The way I am’. Every time some one irritates me or when someone blames or to put it in his words ‘ points a finger at me’ I always sing this song in my head. It helps me to keep my mind calm and ignore them. Because I know they want me to react and cause a scene which I wont give.

People say many things about him. But to me he is the greatest rapper and lyricist of all time. He might be anyone personally but professionally he is best at what he is doing. That’s what matters.

His songs keeps me out of depression and his lyrics thought the me the art of not giving a f**k about things. Now I have multiple favorite songs including ‘Lose Yourself’, ‘Superman’ , ‘Twisted’ ,’Without me’ ( I can keep on naming them and this blog wont be enough) and the fan favorite ‘Stan’. How can someone tell a story so beautifully through rap.

Music can reduce depression. It is a medically proven fact and most people do turn to music to help relieve stress.So please do let me know in comments on what music\songs you listen to relieve your stress\depression\anxiety.

What does Friendship mean to you?

three women sitting on grass — Photo by Luis Quintero on Pexels.com

I was brought up in a nuclear family and both my parents were working. Most of the times they were busy earning money or trying to fulfill their childhood dreams (this comment requires a separate blog to explain). So as I said me and my younger brother were alone taking care of ourselves and each other.

There was a huge generation gap between me and my mother. So our relationship was more formal. So all I got was friends. For me friends are like family.I did not have a great school life because of bullying but I had two close friends who made school life bearable.

I was a hosteler in college. Hostel life is a life that everyone must enjoy atleast once in your life time. I was kind of from a strict family and was brought up with set of rules and restriction. But those days it was like there were no strings on me I was totally free. We were so close the 5 of us. Watched late night movies, flirted with guys, sneaked out of the hostel, were there for each other through thick and thins. They are still close with me to this day.

But there is a disadvantage to this thinking, not all people that you consider as friends consider you as a friend.

So when I came to US there is not much option to make friends. With all the work life balance and settling in a new country things. When you are in an work Visa the most important thing will be make money have enough saving go back to India and get a house or settle your education loan or etc depending on needs.

And so hardly anyone is expecting to be friends with anyone. Here everyone are colleagues. They do help you a lot. They take you grocery shopping, help you buy things to set up the house etc. But the closeness – that you cannot really feel with anyone here.

There is a famous song line in Tamil, it translates to ‘Foreign country is not your home it is just a hostel’. Ironic I loved my hostel life because I found new family there but here it is the opposite I struggled finding friends.

If you are too close with your colleagues you are afraid that it may affect the work. Also I was the youngest person in my project(consists of multiple teams) for most I was a junior resource. But guess what, friendship finds a way.

I did become friends with my lead, couple of my teammates and my roommate. We did many crazy things together. Eventually my lead got married and he drifted away. And also my teammates they got a different job and they also moved to a different state.

Now me and my roommate are back to square one still we are sure we will get new friends 🙂 Because in this world one needs atleast few good friends to share happiness and to sail through tough times.

In your lifetime, you many meet many persons, some will become your friends, some you share fun with , some you forget over time but some they would leave a mark so strong that you consider them your family and they always have special place in your heart.

Don’t forget to let me know what friendship mean to you in comments.

Me and my Blog

Hello All,

Let me start by telling about myself. I am a software engineer. I was born and brought up in India, currently working in US. I am married. I have always loved writing. Sometimes I cant seem to get things off my mind , it keeps on bugging me so I came up with a Technic when I was young – writing it down. So if I want to stop thinking about something I write it down. It keeps my mind healthy happy and stress free.

I am a little bit old school I like writing than typing that’s why I haven’t blogged so far. But I always wanted to share my thoughts opinions with everyone so giving this a try. I hope everyone enjoys reading my blog 🙂

“Like water, be gentle and strong. Be gentle enough to follow the natural paths of the earth and strong enough to rise up and reshape the world” ― Brenda Peterson

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